Monday, November 5, 2007

Malnourished Minds

Today I fully accepted the fact that I just don't like Calcutta. It is not a place for me. I've been fighting this fact since my first day here, plagued by a sour feeling in my stomach and head that I have been attributing to indigestion and food poisoning. However, I think it's more than that.

Today I kind of sat down and came to terms with the fact that I just don't fit here, and in more ways than one. I have had a really hard time finding redeeming qualities about this city, (although I may have said otherwise) and feel that I just don't do well in a place where life is such an everyday struggle, where perfect health is an unattainable goal, and where I don't feel nourished by anything around me. I still even hesitate in saying this, and I'm not sure why. I guess I feel like I need to like Calcutta, like I'm supposed to love it, but I just don't. Aren't I allowed to just not like it here? I think I am, and I wonder why that's so hard for me to accept.

I've also been beating myself up for thinking about home so much, and for missing my comfort items, but what I realized today is that what I miss is the nourishment those items provide me with. I miss feeling physically nourished by good food and clean air and physical contact, I miss feeling emotionally nourished by the people around me, I miss feeling accepted, welcomed and loved. I miss being in places where life thrives; I miss feeling whole. The irony with Calcutta is that while there are 24 million people living here, it is simply not a place that supports life. As far as I can tell the only life form that thrives here is bacteria, and it's apparent everywhere.

Today the director of the school I'm teaching at was talking about Calcutta and she said: "Life is an everyday struggle here, for everyone. It is not easy and everyone is tired all the time".That's when I realized that I simply cannot be whole in a place that wears at the mind and body so thoroughly. No human is designed to be able to take this kind of life-style, and especially not one who has been as spoiled by Portland as I have.

My feelings about Calcutta don't mean that I don't realize what an amazing experience this is and has been, or how much I am learning here, but I am so thankful for the fact that this is not my life and that my time here in the city is coming to an end. I mean, for the 24 million people living here, this is all there is. This is their entire lives, and they feel grateful for the fact that they woke up this morning, got one meal today, and will probably wake up tomorrow and do the same thing over again. But for me, this is just an experiment. I get to show up, experience it for a bit, and then retreat back to my healthy, happy, nourishing community on the other side of the world. And man, let me tell you, I feel so immensely grateful for that fact. I hope I never forget that.

I wonder where this leaves me. I have established that I don't like it here, that this isn't an environment that I like or that I want to be in, but I'm not done here. I hope that I can live my last three weeks here being present, and trying to tune in to my surroundings, but if I've learned one thing since I've been here it's that everything in Calcutta is harder than it seems.
Anyway, those are my thoughts for now. I hope you are all feeling good and putting intention towards nourishing your bodies and minds simply because you can.
Love and fresh air
Kato

3 comments:

Robin Hilleary said...

you are so good.

Robin Hilleary said...
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Robin Hilleary said...
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