Fruit Salads!

Coincidentally, after I wrote that last blog entry I walked back to the guesthouse to find my friend Jodie (another GVN volunteer staying at BMS) reaching the same breaking point I was at with Calcutta. So of course we sat and ate chocolate and cried for a bit, and then I looked at my calendar and said "Well then, let's go. Fuck Calcutta." So, long story short, two chocolate bars and lots of tissues later we decided to cut our time in the city short by about a week and leave on the 17th of November. We bought our tickets to Gaya today, and we train out on Friday night.
The problem with this blog is that I simply don't know how much of it you can understand. I wonder how you view my decisions and emotions from so far away; from such different and distant places. I know there is only so much of this you can understand, and only so much I can explain, but my decision to leave Calcutta (and my volunteer work) early is something that I feel like is probably miscommunicated. I don't know. Part of me feels like a failure, like I chickened out, like I left my job unfinished. Perhaps this frame of mind is the result of things like crew and school, where I have forced myself to finish what I started because I know (or am told) that it will be worth it. Or perhaps it's a result of my entire culture's frame of mind - you know, the "finish what you started. Serve your time" kind of thing. But honestly, it gets to a point where it's just not worth it. It's not worth putting myself through this kind of physical and emotional stress just to say that I "finished the job". What the fuck even is the job? What is my job here? My job is to experience, to learn, to grow, to feel. But also to take care of myself. That is always our first and foremost job in our lives - to make sure we are ok. I believe that it's only after we feel ok that we can help others to feel ok.
If someone told me today that I would be here in Calcutta for the next year, I could do it. I would physically survive it, but why the hell would I want to? While it's good to experience these environments, and to know they are here, I don't want to live in them. I don't want to be in a place like this if I don't have to, and I shouldn't feel bad for that.
So, I'm off to Bhodgaya, which right now sounds like the perfect place to recover from Calcutta. It's the most important Buddhist pilgrimage site in the world and home to the descendant of the original Bodhi tree under which Buddha achieved enlightenment (or so the story goes). Sounds pretty damn chill to me.
Love and momos
Kate