Shoulder to Shoulder

If only...if only I could explain this! There are no words, no pictures, no anything to describe to you what I am seeing everyday. And it is so frusterating. I wish I could grab you all and hold you in my pocket as I walk down the streets everyday. As I step over the limbless people sleeping on the sidewalks, as I skirt around the mangy dogs who have effectively chewed off all of their skin, as I raise my arms to avoid the street kids clambering onto me and grabbing my bag. It is so hard for me to want to share with all of you what I experience and what I feel here, but it's virtually impossible. I'm stuck in that place right now of not knowing if I'm caring too little or feeling too little, or if that is simply what I must do to survive. Because you have to turn the other cheek here. You have to pretend you don't see, or you will not survive. There is too much wrong, too much bad, too much to fix. So I walk down the street and I step over those limbless people and those mangy dogs. I ignore those kids. I keep walking, because that is how I survive. And I mostly feel ok. But somewhere something in me doesn't feel ok (of course, I'm from Portland - I'm a softy.) I have done well so far turning my cheek, reminding myself that this is how life is here, and that these people aren't unhappy. Because the truth is, they're not. They have families (however broken they may be) and most of them have food (however contaminated it may be), and they have life, so they are happy. But, I must ask myself, am I just telling myself that so that I can keep walking down those streets? So that I can keep living my life and keep waking up in the morning? So that I can do my job and get from point A to point B? I don't know. I don't know.
Today Kathryn and I went to get tickets for Darjeeling this weekend, and it was a mostly successful adventure. We got there after only having to ask about 50 people for directions(hey, in a city of 23 million, that's not bad) and got the tickets with little hassle thanks to the two old adorable men working at the counter. The way back we decided to take a taxi because we didn't really know where we were, which is a remarkably common occurance in this city. So we tried flagging one down, and of course, realized that the taxis are on strike. Meaning that they have turned off their meters and are demanding around 400 Rupees (around 10 dollars) for a taxi ride that sould be around 30 Rupees (around 75 cents). So we said: "Fuck that, we're smart, capable women, we will find our own way home." And guess what. We did! About 3 hours later. Basically we ended up lost out of our minds and in the middle of the busiest streets I have seen in Calcutta. Let me put that into terms you might understand: that means, literally throngs of people, shoulder to shoulder, trying to all walk different directions and shop and beg and get your attention at the same time. Food vendors lining the sidewalks, kerosene stoves pumping out more heat than there is already, someone trying to grab your bag, and horns blaring nonstop from the streets. Busses rumbling by, dodging honking rickshaws and taxis and mangey dogs. And there we were in the dead middle of this all: two white girls with absolutely no idea where they were going and very little knowledge of the Bengali language. I literally couldn't breath. But, long story shorter, we found our way home after walking for about 3 hours. No better way to get to know a city than being helplessly lost.
Lord I can't wait for Darjeeling. We leave Thursday on the night train and return Monday morning. For those of you who don't know what Darjeeling is, it's a small town at the base of the Himalayas (Kanchenjunga is the closest mountain, though Everest is visible) and was built by the British Raj as an escape from the summer heat. It is cold, is it silent, the air is some of the best in the world, and it faces the greatest mountains in the world. And produces some of the best tea in the world. I can't describe to you how amazing that sounds to me right now. It's somewhat hard to reflect on this whole lifestyle when I can't get 2 seconds of silence, so it will be much needed.
Anyway, I love you all and hope you all have roofs to sleep under and clean water to drink. Don't take it for granted. Please.